The Beatle’s song, “Help” has been playing in my subconscious for weeks now. Originally released in 1965, I first remember hearing it on Ed Sullivan. One of my playmates in the neighborhood got the album (Rubber Soul) and we would play all those songs, over and over, memorizing the words and imitating the Fab Four. It never occurred to me that these lyrics would lay low all these years only to surface at this point in my life when their meaning has taken on new significance.
In case you have forgotten John Lennon’s lyrics:
Help, I need somebody
Help, not just anybody
Help, you know I need someone, help
When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self-assured
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me
I am needing more and more help these days because I have arthritis. I am temporarily using a cane until I can get hip replacement surgery. Canes are a universal sign of vulnerability. What I have noticed since using one is that there are many people who will open doors for me. Many people who offer to carry bags to my car, and kind souls who will offer me a seat. I have also noticed that these acts of kindness seem to come from older adults.
My intention here is not to go into a rant about manners and how the youth of today don’t seem to have any. It is more about John Lennon’s observation that I do need help. I need to ask for it. And I need to express my appreciation.
Many of these conversations also reflect feelings of helplessness and exhaustion that are by-products of the amount of effort needed to get in and out of bed, or into the shower, or in and out of the car. Well-meaning instructions to exercise more, stay optimistic, and remember what the goals are often fall on deaf ears. Deaf not due to hearing loss, but to overwhelm.
What I have come to learn through my own experience as well as from my patients is that attitude is everything. Central to that attitude is being willing to ask for help, regardless of the outcome. Help will not always be provided and it may not be provided in the way I want it. But that shouldn’t stop me for asking for help.
Because I no longer can perform at the levels I used to, I am now gaining experience in asking for help. It is risky for me. My inner critic is having a field day giving me advice about how silly and stupid I am to have let my physical self get so compromised and how I should have planned better for getting somewhere on time, and swearing every time I move and it hurts.
In doing this, I have found many rewards in asking for help. More often than not, the possibility that the person I ask has answers I am looking for. In some cases, they become an advocate and/or ally who is available when I am feeling down. And many have provided unexpected but pleasant distractions to my habitual ways of engaging with the world.
When I put my inner critic on mute and just attend to my needs, I find more often than not that people are kind, helpful, and caring. There is empathy from those who have similar limitations, and often shared solutions to problems or resources. There is camaraderie and knowing glances that frequently result in brief conversations with people I never would have chatted with. There is a feeling that I am not alone and evidence that I can get through this experience, reassured that others have successfully done it.
So, thank you John Lennon. Thanks for letting me know that I can ask for help.