Recently I attended a celebration of life of a dear friend I had known for 45 years. My friend died at age 91. The celebration included a wonderful montage of pictures from her childhood, school years, her marriage, motherhood, retirement, and, for lack of a more accurate and descriptive term, “old age”.

Seeing her evolve across each of these developmental stages was both reassuring and eye-opening. It was reassuring to see a life “unfold”. In truth, her life expanded. It was eye-opening because I realized how deeply internalized my belief about growing old was married to the notion that aging meant becoming disabled, frail, or cognitively impaired. My friend’s life was testament that this was not inevitable.

Time to Get on the Bandwagon

I have been nattering on for quite a few years now about how we need to come up with better descriptors for the stage of life that happens after we retire. I won’t claim to be the first, but I have been among the leading edge of writers and providers who have raised the issue.

Currently there are a number of organizations and groups who are raising awareness around ageism. In the UK, the Centre for Ageing Better, has wonderful resources challenging the notion that getting old means decline. Here in the US, Changing the Narrative has developed trainings and “merch” that can be shared widely. AARP is now taking a look at its own ageism, and how it has contributed to perpetuating negative stereotypes in spite of being a leading advocate.

How about you?  Are you ready to take a look at your own internalized ageism?  For a fun quiz, click here.

Did You Grow Up Around Older Adults?

My parents adopted me when they were in their late 30’s. This was “old” for the times, as many couples in the 1950s started having children in their early 20s. I got to spend most of my time with folks who were in their “old age.” I was fortunate in having grandparents who took an active role in my child care.

I was also fortunate in having an extended family who, when they gathered, included great-Aunts and great-Uncles who were held in high regard and honored, even as they left the heavy lifting to the younger folks. My family found time for and valued the company of aging adults. What was it like in your family?

What Did Old Age Look Like Growing Up?

If you didn’t grow up with older adults, then all you learned about growing old probably came from TV, movies, ads, and books. I suspect you can easily recall the Beverly Hillbillies, with Granny (Irene Ryan) and Jed (Buddy Ebsen). Or maybe it was Gunsmoke, where Doc (Milburn Stone) held court. A classic image of old age came from Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In where Gladys and Tyrone (Ruth Buzzi and Artie Johnson) would meet on the park bench. Were these the images you learned to define “old” by?

We have been told that aging is the inevitable loss of beauty, and we must do everything in our power to hide any indication that we are growing old. We have been taught to mask our age. The cosmetic industry taught us how to feel about aging, selling solutions for wrinkles, age spots, and crepe skin. These messages have never gone away.

Hand and Glove: Pharma and “Cures” for Aging

Without a doubt, what most of us think of as old age is defined not by what we are accomplishing, but by what we are losing:  hair, sex drive, hearing, sight, memory, reflexes, strength. And the only way to put off all this decline is to load up on pills that will at best restore lost functioning (Viagra), or keep death at bay for a bit longer.

You have only to watch TV for a few moments before the ads for arthritis, diabetes, cancer, glaucoma or any of a number of other diseases you didn’t know you had pop up. And these come with instructions on what to tell your doctor you need. This is necessary because even your health care provider has only received a brief introduction to aging, and more often than not, prefers not to work with aging adults, “because they are just going to die anyway.”

Aging Always Means Change, But Not Necessarily Decline

We know the outcome of every living thing on this planet is death. Aging is but a single factor in that outcome. As life expectancy lengthens, it becomes clearer that there are many factors that influence the quality and quantity of those years.

Unfortunately, growing old is too often only seen as a disease in this country. But that is changing. More and more we are seeing just how aging issues impact all aspects of society.

We must fund and coordinate the necessary infrastructure to manage housing, transportation, and health care access for aging adults. These infrastructure needs are not limited to aging adults, but reflect the needs of all of us to differing degrees. When we segment them based on age alone, we limit the impact of the solutions on our society as a whole.

You Can’t Change What You Don’t See

If you never see people aging who are vital, engaged, happy, and over 65, you may think that growing old is something to avoid. But where do you find these folks?  This, too, has an inherent element of marginalization.

Active adult communities are restricted to those aged 55 and up. While I can understand the draw of these communities, the consequence is that stereotypes go unchallenged, and opportunities for sharing and caring across all age groups are decreased.

Recognition of this has led to Age-Friendly Community movements cropping up world-wide. Making room for young and old strengthens a community. Inclusivity benefits everyone across the lifespan.

Join Me on the Bandwagon

Since I have been paying attention to my own internalized ageism, I find I am less willing to put up with jokes about aging. My internal humor meter has been re-set. Cartoons showing older people having trouble understanding technology or having a “senior moment” more often than not now make me want to call out the person who posted the item. (Check out Becca Levy‘s book, “Breaking the Age Code”).

I realize that it will take time for us to shift our unconscious and unquestioned beliefs about aging. Still, there is plenty of room on the bandwagon. You might want to jump on it and see for yourself!