I have felt off-kilter all week. I can point a finger to various instigators of this imbalance, but none of them individually or collectively can explain my overall sense of being suspended between realities.

This all applies to my local weather. There is a famous quote attributed to Mark Twain when he was out in San Francisco one year. “The coldest winter I ever spent was summer in San Francisco.”  Well, that’s what is happening this year. It is July, and I still have my heat come on very early in the morning.

No matter where I look, something is off-kilter with weather patterns. My heart is going out to others around the country and the globe who are faced with flooding, wildfires, and poisoning of resources – all seem to be much more intense and threatening. All seem to take longer to recover from. All seem to have lasting effects more burdensome than in past years.

And Another New Thing

Another new thing is that I started using a C-Pap machine at night. My husband had one which about drove us both nuts, what with the noise and the dystopian headgear, but that was ages ago. The machines are now sleek and minimal, and the headgear still dystopian. At least it is quieter than I remember.

I mention this because using the C-Pap machine has totally upended my bedtime routine.  What used to be a comfortable slide into Slumberland is now a full workout requiring donning headgear, setting equipment levels, positioning and odd looks from the cats.

Then Let’s Talk About the News

There is no avoiding the daily deluge of change coming out of Washington. And the trickle down is finding new tributaries. I used to delight in watching several news shows ranging from the News Hour to the occasional pontification on MSNBC. In between I had my regulars including my local news shows, where the segments ran in ordered precision – murders and auto accidents, followed by weather updates, followed by more murders and accidents, followed by sports, then weather, then happy banter between news readers. It was reassuring, although not all that informative.

But now – Congress is taking money back from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. My pundits are bailing from the mothership. My local news is changing formats and updating their studios.

My cell phone, once a tool used for solely communication, now has become the fulcrum of all connectivity (I still prefer to use a laptop). It insists on my using its bottomless pit of apps to do everything. In return, it bombards me. Reminders, SMS messages, pop-ups, links to things I have zero interest in—all demanding immediate attention and daily culling.

Let’s Talk about Routine

I have learned over the years that the best way for me to manage these kinds of changes is to keep to a routine. Because I live alone and have a great deal of say in how I spend my time, I enjoy the benefits of keeping to that routine without much challenge. Mind you, the occasional challenge is welcomed because it keeps me on my toes. But steady, uninterrupted challenges are not welcomed at all!

This week has given me challenges.

Time to Say Goodbye

I am quite literally saying goodbye to increasing numbers of old friends who have died. There is rarely a week that goes by that I don’t receive some notification of a former co-worker, friend, or family member who has passed. Add to that the list of famous folks who are exiting their mortal coil and I find myself wondering how much longer I have.

With each death I lose a companion to what I have lived through, a validator of my memory, a reliable witness from whom I can confirm (or deny) an experience that now is but a withered skein of recall. And it is part of aging. It is part of this cycle of samsara that constitutes being human.

I cannot rid myself of the feeling that I need to be saying “good-bye” to many of the things I have taken for granted in my life. This starts with the accumulation of papers, books, and family memorabilia that I have become the repository of. I am at that stage of sorting and sending these keepsakes to the next generation.

Urgency of the Present

The urgency of the present with all its disruptions and threats to my well-being cannot be ignored. My actions to protect my way of life, a way of life that once was the envy of the rest of the world, seem inadequate.

The government I once revered is now in shambles, seemingly unable to stop or reverse a downward spiral into racism and corruption at all levels. My capacity to influence and correct these trends feels diminished, although my spirit and values remain strong. This impotence on my part contributes to my negativity.

Seeking Role Models

Growing up, I was blessed with individuals who were role models for me. Role models for resilience, for patriotism, for persistence, for hope and for commitment to something bigger than whatever it was that was denying progress and freedom. As the older generation died off, I learned to look to my peers for role models, and I found them.

My hope is that I have grown to be a role model for others. Even in my moments of doubt, I strive to offer insight and reason to fight the good fight. I believe in the legacy handed down to me and I know my task is to see that it is handed down to those who come after me.

Polishing my Crystal Ball

The near future I see is one that will be complicated and uncomfortable. There are many things needing change. These changes are currently under the apparent control of people I have no respect for and find repugnant in every regard. That will make the near future challenging.

But the long-term benefits of shifting things around, questioning and exploring new and different ways of doing things, and reasserting the core values of what it means to be an American can only be beneficial to those who survive the immediate chaos. The challenge lies in preserving and protecting these core values: equality, freedom, dignity, liberty, justice –

So For Today

An important lesson I learned along the way is to stay in the present. Pay attention to the future so that you can plan accordingly, but don’t spend too much time catastrophizing (What if?). Pay heed to the past because it often repeats itself and if you haven’t learned your lesson the first time around, you will have an opportunity to relearn. Pay attention to what is.

Once you are in “What Is” land, you can express gratitude. This is what sustains change. Being grateful for what has been given and what is now available.